FullMetal Alchemist and the Parody of Lologic
by MilesTailsPrower-007
Summary: Parody. Unserious. What happens when the Love Alchemist comes to town? Cliche stuff, that's what. Let's see who manages to live through this mess. Reviews appreciated! Written just for fun.
1. Kokoro the Love Alchemist

_**REAL Author's Note:** Posted as per the request of two people. This is a parody and is not meant to offend anyone. I'm just poking fun at the cliches of fanfiction in this section.You'll have to assume where I'm being "serious" and where I'm just being sarcastic and all that jazz. XD_

_You guys are the most super reviewers, though. Real Author's Notes will be in italics. Fake ones... won't. Thanks SO much! _

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a/n: I don't own Edo... BUT I WISH I DID! lol... the Love Alchemist Kokoro belongs 2 me though so DON'T STEAL!!! Aru has his body back in this but they still live in there world so its not like the movie.

Once upon a time (well, not really), Ed and Al were hanging out in Central. Al had his body back for no actual reason, and Ed was still working for the military, because it's not like he was only doing that for leads on the Philosopher's Stone or anything unimportant like that. So, they were just hanging out, because it's not like working for the military is a_ job_, so obviously Ed was in the best position to be wasting time for nothing. As they were in the midst of doing nothing of any real significance--- CRASH BOOM FSSSSSSH--- a storm came out of nowhere, complete with my horrific sound effects. Even though Al is something like fourteen or fifteen by this point, his human body complete with pretty ponytail magically makes him into a total wimp. "BOOM!" said the crappy thunder.

Then the power went out for some reason.

"Niiiisaaaan!" wailed pathetic wimpy pretty-ponytail Al, clinging to his older brother around the waist in the total pitch blackness of the library.

"Uh, there there, my pathetic wimpy pretty-ponytail brother," said Ed, patting him awkwardly on the head. "I'd love to comfort you, but I have something to go do, although I'm not entirely sure what it is. In any case, just stay here and cower in the dark, and I'll come back for you."

"O-okay," sniffled Al. (a/n: lol aru's soooo kawaii 3)

Meanwhile, Kokoro the Love Alchemist was wandering through the rain all alone! (By the way, love is obviously a transmutable substance.) She was looking for the FullMetal Alchemist Edward Elric. She was actually his long lost sister-- not Al's, just Ed's; don't ask how-- and she knew because of her glittering love senses that she was destined to help him fall in love with his True Wuv... which is totally Roy, even though he was flirting with some girl in his office at that exact moment. This is only because he needs to realize his true feelings. Yes.

Al, who was still a quivering blob of useless wimpiness all alone in the dark, suddenly decided he no longer feared the dark, or thunder, and bravely ventured outside. There he found a defenseless... neko-chan! "Awww, a nekochan!" said Aru, because goodness forbid I call it by anything but a Japanese name. "It's okay," he said, gathering up the tiny fluff ball in his arms. (Notice how I switch between "Aru" and "Al" interchangeably.) "I'll take you with me!" He carefully tucked it into the jacket he obviously stole from Ed as to prevent it from getting wetter.

Edo was just coming back from eating fifty tacos when he walked into Roy in the dark hallway. Ed was not in a good mood, what with the whole fifty tacos thing and all, and he cursed loudly about crashing into the bastard colonel.

"Watch where you're going, FullMetal," Roy said stiffly.

"Whatever," grumbled Ed. Then he quite nearly walked into Al, who was dripping from head to foot. Ed looked surprised.

"Niisan!" exclaimed Al. "I... I found a nekochan, and it was raining outside and..."

"Al!" Ed blurted frustratedly. "Have you forgotten we've been over this forty thousand times before?! We can't have a cat because I said so!"

"You hate meee!" wailed Al, who was, by now, starting to sound more like a six year old than a fourteen year old. "Boo hoo, sob, wail!" ...and he bolted from the room. Err, hallway.

Ed sighed. "Well, that went well..."

Just then, Kokoro appeared! Ed wasn't surprised or anything though, because by now, he was used to pointless things happening to him.

"Hello!" said Kokoro. She was beautiful with long blonde hair down to her waist and a little tuft thingy like Edo. She had eyes the color of sapphire moonbeams and she was wearing a miniskirt and a bright pink t-shirt that said "Loveless!" on the front. She was also wearing a necklace with a really big gemstone heart on it. "I'm Kokoro the Love Alchemist," she said in her beautiful voice that flowed like music.

"Uhm, hi."

"I've come to help you!" she said, her abnormally huge and glittery eyes boring uncomfortable holes into the cushy part of Ed's soul. "I can't say who I am, but--"

"--You already did say who--"

"--I can't say who I am, but I'm here to help you!" She clapped her hands together and then touched his chest softly. Pink glittery hearts filled the air. "Soon you'll realize your true love!" she said. "I hope you guys will be happy!" And she disappeared.

"Whoa," said Ed. "That was really creepy. I don't feel different, though, so maybe I'll go eat some more tacos."

Ignoring this lovely incident, he walked back down the hallway, only to crash into Roy again because the maintenance staff was a bunch of lazy twits who still hadn't done anything about the lights, even though the storm was over. Despite the dark, Ed and Roy saw each other in a new light. (Haha, pun.)

"E-Edo..?" Roy murmured.

"...Roy?"

"Edo!" exclaimed Roy, jumping to his feet and seizing the smaller alchemist in his arms. "I never realized how I felt! You mean so much to me, because Riza just dropped off the face of the earth! Never leave me, because I could never live without you!"

Ed, who had just lost almost all of his manliness in about 0.5 seconds, giggled at Roy's extremely lame wooing attempt, although didn't seem to notice how blindingly lame it really was. "Oh, Roy..." And of course, his golden locks came from his ponytail and fell around his shoulders like a waterfall of riches. "I need to go make myself into an even girlier blob of out-of-characterness! Be right baaaack!" And off he skipped.

When he returned a minute later (it felt like an eternity to Roy 3), he was wearing a very feminine and sparkly dress that fit him for no actual reason. Huzzah! "Now we can be together!"

"Yes, my love..." (a/n: omg roy/edo is soooo cute!!!!)

Just as they were about to kiss, the door fell flat on the floor and in strode Armstrong, glittering in all his pink Armstrong glory. However, because Armstrong are teh uggo, he's obviously a homophobe. "Gentlemen!" he began loudly. "I..." Pause.

Awkwaaaaaaaard.

Le gasp! "YOU!" he boomed in all his manliness. "You two are not meant to be! If you don't cease this obvious act of out-of-characterness, the Fuhrer will fire you both! ...did I mention extreme authority has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations?"

Alas, alack! Roy and Edo were not meant to be! Or were they?...

TO BE CONTINUED... maybe.

a/n: this is my first stoery so no flames plz!!!! if I don't get 10 reviews I WILL NOT CONTINUE! so review plz


	2. Not So Explosive Conclusion

_**Author's Note:** Hahahaha! I actually almost got ten reviews, which is ironic because that little "zomg 10 reviews or i r not post!1!!!!" thing was me poking fun at how that actually happens. I read through the posted version of Chapter 1 to see if any punctuation was randomly kicked out, and discovered that although it didn't kill my punctuation, it did kill all the "lovely" hearts I typed. So, if you see any displaced "3"s floating around, it's part of one of those "less than + 3" hearts people type on the internet. Just pretend it's actually a heart or something. D:  
_

_Thanks so much for the awesometastic reviews. Cool points for all of you. :B  
_

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ch2 

a/n: i still don't own roy and edo, but kokoro is MINE so back off!!!!!

And now back to our feature program. Where were we? Oh, yes.

Alas! Alack! Ring the alarum bell! Malcolm! Banquo! Our royal master murd-- uh, wrong story. Armstrong glittered intimidatingly and his shirt magically vanished, as it tends to do that. He flexed and leaned in close. "Mark my words, men," he said lowly. "This is NOT tolerated in the haven of our military headquarters! What would Arakawa think of this mess?"

"Who?" asked Roy, since Stylin' Hair Ed was too out of it to think competently.

"Roy, we can't stay here," he whimpered into the dark haired alchemist's ear. "We need to escape, so that we can be alone, without anyone to judge us, and--"

"I can hear every word you're saying. Superb hearing is a trait passed down the Armstrong line for generations!"

Ed glared almost in-characteristically at Armstrong, grabbed Roy's arm and dragged him ten feet down the hall, which was starting to feel very abused and was honestly considering a restraining order against fan fictions.

"You're right," said Roy. "We have to get away from here. It's not like my subordinates are my friends or anything, so I don't need to tell them I'm disappearing with my true love!" Pause. "But... where could we go to?"

"Oh! I know this quaint little place just off the coast," giggled Ed, who was starting to look and sound like a different character altogether, no matter how hard you squinted at him. "It would be sooo dreamy!"

So off they went to the Bahamas, which was a quaint little place just off the coast of Amestris. Never mind that it came from a different world altogether. (a/n: its my story and I can DO WHAT I WANT!!) It was sunny, glorious, sandy, and ever so romantastical. Now they could be alone forever in their sparkling love, because who would dare question the Bahamas?

Meanwhile, Al, as per the norm, was no longer a significant part of Ed's life in any way, and was wondering what he was supposed to do now that he'd somehow realized he didn't have the mental capacity to handle living on his own. As he was pondering this matter with his accumulated horde of nekochans, who should appear but Kokoro the Love Alchemist!

"Hello, Alphonse," she said, her voice warm and glowing like the sunbeams falling on an island of gold.

"I'd ask who you are, but I don't think I have any mental power left at all!" said Al. "So instead, I'll just squeak uselessly until Indiana Ed comes back for me!" And he smiled in a vacant way.

"It's terrible!" Kokoro cried.

"What, that niisan abandoned me?"

"No, silly! That my life is so tragic! Let me tell you all about it!"

"Okay," said Aru, whose only point in the story now was to agree blindly with everything said.

"My younger sister Hikari and I were orphaned when we were young," she began quietly, a single tear running down her cheek. "Our parents died in a fire. We were adopted, but our adoptive parents hated us and abused us... It was so unfair..."

Al looked shocked. "They... hurt you?"

"For goodness' sake, no! They didn't let me buy this miniskirt I wanted... But anyway! Hikari and I had a really hard life. Eventually, we ran away from home. I tried so hard to look after my little sister, because I loved her so much, and I hoped someday we could be happy again. I just wanted our lives to go back to normal... for us to go home to Mom, and live like we did before the accident."

"...your life sounds like my life with edits."

She ignored him. "I taught myself alchemy so that I could try to provide for us, and I tried to get a job, but then one day... my sister was murdered by Scar." (a/n: scar is SO mean! )

"Your sister was a state alchemist?"

"No! He just murdered her for no reason because Scar's just mean and psychopathic (a trait of all characters I think are ugly)! I was crushed, and I missed my little sister so much my soul was breaking into empty pointy little pieces inside me. I decided the only way to go on was to try to make other people's lives happy, because my sister would have wanted that. So, I became the Love Alchemist, helping people find each other and their happiness!"

Al didn't know what to say, but if he did, he probably would have asked why Kokoro and her sister had Japanese names whilst everyone else didn't. "...Nekochan?" he said, offering a kitten to her like it were a snack.

"Why thank you." Munch. "Now where was I? Oh yes. My angsty life. So, anyway, I remembered that Father told me when I was very small about my brother, Edward. I decided that since he was my only remaining kin that I--"

"--If you're related to niisan, shouldn't you be related to me, too?"

"Shut up. You're not allowed to make inferences."

"Oh. Right. I forgot... sorry."

"So, I decided to seek out my long lost brother, the FullMetal Alchemist. I knew how tragic his life had been, and I sought to improve it."

"How does EVERYONE know how tragic our life is? We only told, like, Roy and his friends."

"SO," Kokoro repeated loudly, "I sought to improve it! I helped him to fall in love! Currently, he and his love are probably running off to spawn magical and illogical puny spawns, since they've been together for all the glory of almost a chapter! Oh, the wonders of improving others' lives! I'm so glad that others can find happiness!" And she fell sobbing into Al's arms, tears streaking her face like sparkling stars falling from a sky of sapphire. Al, by now, had turned into a useless prettyboy who just sort of went along with everything forced on him, because now, just like with Ed, the only thing he had going for him was his long pretty hair. (Maybe that's hereditary.)

Meanwhile, Roy and Edo existed together in their haven of love.

"Oh Roy, I love you more than anything on this planet and my heart fills to overflowing with my glittering love!"

"Oh Edo, I love you so much that it makes me an out-of-character twit, and causes me to forget that women were the most important thing in my vocabulary!"

And they gently kissed under the star-strewn sky, alone with their feelings and whole while together. (There is a short break in the writing as the author goes to vomit.) Ed's hair shone like gold, and his gold eyes were warm with emotion. I'll note at this point it's illegal to describe his hair and eyes as anything but gold. Roy's ebon hair caught faint glimmers of moonbeams across it. They went to bed together that night, for the first time. 3 (a/n: zomg its sooooo kawaii!!!! i cryed writting it TToTT)

But, as luck (or lack thereof) would have it, the Love Alchemist's very logical transmutation of love started to break. Little by little through the night, the immense dislike of each other that Roy and Ed harbored deep within their now hidden true characters started to violently smash the love with baseball bats. By morning, it had been reduced to a heap of red glittering shards that caused immense discomfort somewhere in their guts. They both awoke about the same time.

Roy sat up. "Man," he mumbled groggily. "I had this screwed up dream that FullMetal turned into some kind of crack woman, and I was in love with him or her."

Ed cleared his sinuses with the finesse of a truck driver and sat up, hardly noticing as his gold locks tumbled down around his shoulders. "Ugh. Al, I had this crack dream that I was going somewhere with that jackass colonel. I turned into a woman or something. Then we went to this randomly placed sunny island and--" They turned slowly to look at each other, and screamed in unison.

"OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU HERE?" yelled Roy in a terrified frenzy.

"Oh my god, I don't know!!" shrieked Ed. "Why the hell am I wearing this dress? Why is my hair so long? Did I get drunk and volunteer for a sex change or something?"

"I... I don't know," Mustang said, fumbling with the words. Then, a horrible, horrible thought occurred to them both.

"What if..." Ed began very slowly, his eyes blank from all the horror. "...what if we... slept together?"

Roy sprang to his feet. "Oh my god!" he cried. "What if we did? I'll never be able to date another woman again! Do you know what a tragedy that would be?! I need a plan..." He began pacing nervously. "I'll move out of the country and change my name."

"Good idea. We can say you were killed in the line of duty, since I don't remember either of us actually quitting."

"Good. What about you?"

Ed thought logically for a moment. It kind of hurt his brain, since he hadn't done it in awhile. If he went back, he'd have to explain all of his to his brother. If he went back, he'd still be wearing this glittering evening gown. He could transmute it, but the thought of wearing sparkling clothes of any kind deterred him from it. "You go ahead," he said gravely. "I'll think of something."

So, Roy Mustang moved to New Zealand (which is also in connection to Ed's world, so be quiet), changed his name to William Fitzpatrick and grew a mustache. He also took up a profession in mail delivery. Ed, on the other hand, could think of nothing that could cover the shame of being Roy's girly love puppet, and so he drowned himself. (a/n: nooooo!!! crys)

A short while later, his body washed up on shore, where Al was conveniently moping around. "N-niisan..?"

There he was, gold eyes emptily staring at the sky. Fortunately, he'd managed to transmute his clothes into something reasonable, and spent six hours picking off all the sequins, so he was dressed almost normally. Al was broken-hearted nonetheless.

"Why did you die, Edo?" he wondered quietly, kneeling at his brother's side. "Why couldn't you come home?" Why, wonders the author, are you talking to yourself in a parody where I make fun of everything you do? Also, clearly it's not required to, y'know, report deaths or anything unimportant like that. He sat cradling his brother for a long time in angst-filled silence. Then, he came to an amazing conclusion!

"Human transmutation," he decided cheerfully. "That'll fix everything! Clearly I learned nothing at all from all the hardships we faced!"

So, right there, he transmuted his brother. Only, like a good fanfiction, it failed horribly, except that he didn't lose anything. But, since I'd rather not make it result in a pulsating organ pile abomination (those are uggo, duh), it instantly resulted in a homunculus! He had empty eyes and random red markings and dressed like Envy. His name was Pride, because heaven forbid he exist in any other fashion that he did in that accursed fan game.

Al was partly shocked, partly amazed, and partly stupid. "Why are you wearing a skirt?"

The homunculus looked unimpressed. "It's a skort. Shut up. Envy is my kin; I shall go to him. By the way, I don't hate you or anything!"

"Oh, okay." So he wandered off and forgot about it.

Envy met Pride!Ed in an alleyway behind a tall building as dusk set in. "Hey there!" Envy said, posing with a hand on his hip. "You all ready for our big errand, new guy?"

"Yes."

"Well that's _super_!"

"What are we going to do? Kill off the humans? Create destruction and chaos? Make the Philosopher's Stone? Impose doom and despair upon the beings in this city who regect us for the monsters we are?"

"Heck no!" exclaimed Envy. "Miniskirt sale at K-Mart. We are _so_ there. I heard they have these cute tops, too. It's to die for!"

Since Pride hadn't yet protested about being dressed like Envy to begin with, he just went along with this. Unfortunately, this was one of the lesser pathetic happenings in this story, and thus was mostly welcomed by the general public, except for Ed's soul, which had floated off to Heaven, or Hell or the Gate or whatever, and was now grumbling loudly at how everything that happens to him in fanfictions utterly sucks.

And since that was a long sentence, I'm tired and will stop. Take your calcium pills now, children. You'll need them. D:

a/n: lol i hope u liked my fic. REVEIW PLZ!!!!

END


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